"Mommy be happy" + Rustic Apple Pie
I would like to say "thank you" to all of you who sent me a message of support after my last post.
You've touched my heart :)
Having that sense of community is so important and even therapeutic.
I decided to bake today to relax and to distract my OCD mind.
Anyone who is considering anti-depressant can give baking a go.
Its only side effect is that your family and friends will get fat lol.
Joke aside, I have really wanted to bake ever since we arrived in Bali.
However, all my baking equipments (I think I have one shipping container just for all my baking gadgets lol) are still in transit.
Having no baking tools made me realise how difficult it is to bake anything without a whisk, a spatula, a mixer, a brush etc etc
But then they say "when there is a will, there is a way.".
I found this Crusty Apple Pie recipe from the trusted King Arthur Flour website which only requires your hands, a baking paper, a rolling pin (you can roll it out with any cylinder object really) and your oven.
Baking made me feel alive again.
I was back to my "zone".
I had to put on the TV for Luciano in order to make the pie. (I tried inviting him to join but he ran away with his scooter lol)
Did I feel guilty? Um...not today.
Because I knew I needed the time for myself, to be a better mom.
The funny thing is, he got bored after an hour of TV anyways and went to play with other things.
Last night, before we went to bed, Luciano told me "Mommy be happy."
Immediately, I felt my heart tightened and my eyes misty.
"I know baby. I know." I said.
"Sometimes Mommy feels sad, sometimes Mommy feels happy, sometimes Mommy feels angry. Just like Luciano. And it is OK to have all these feelings. They are all OK, you understand?" I also said.
I am not sure if he understood me.
I am not sure if I said it so he could understand or to remind myself,
that I am not perfect nor does he require a perfect mom.
What he needs is a real mom,
and the opportunity to see how she triumphs over her real struggles.